On Not Giving Away Money Foolishly to Professional Guilt-Manipulators
This was posted on a forum. It deserves wider distribution.
I've once walked home late at night on a Saturday. An old man with a smell of urine and alcohol around him asked me for directions to a homeless shelter. He's been there before but couldn't find it anymore. He knew the name of the street. I found out where it was and called to confirm. He's been waking in the opposite direction. I decided to guide him there. It was about 20 minutes away. We talked quite a bit. He said he used to be in the French legion in Tunesia. He said he always remembered the look on another soldier's face that he had killed. It was quite sad. We talked a bit more. I had a pocket new testament on me and gave it to him. He was very grateful, said he's never received something so good. He said he'll definitely read it. He said he's only reading cheap "romance novels" at night. I knew that someone in my church had experience working with alcoholics. I have him my phone number and told him we can meet the next day and I can introduce him to my friend at church. Or that we could do it another day. He said he'll definitely do it. He seemed very sincere and grateful and humbled. Told me about how his mother was a devout Christian and that this might be an answer to her prayers. Before we arrived at the shelter he asked me for 2 euros to pay for the train. I was hesitant, but then went ahead anyways. We arrived at the shelter, I went home and never heard from him again. I told this story to my friend who worked with alcoholics and he told me that you cannot trust a single word they say and that he will most likely never call me back. They will make up anything just to get some money to spend on booze.
That should have taught me. But several years later I was in a different situation. I brought my fiance to the airport. She had to fly away for some longer time. I was sad. A guy stopped us, asking for help. I said I'll talk to him in ten minutes so i dropped off my fiance at the security check and went back to that guy afterwards. He said he was in a horrible situation. He was with a friend in another city for vacation and their bags got stolen. They missed their flight because they were at the police. Their money was in the bags. His friend stayed at the police and he came to the airport to see if they could somehow get their flight refunded. Long story short: he needed money for another flight. It wasn't very expensive. He didn't seem drunk, had good clothes, spoke well, told me more about his background, so I gave him the money and my email address because he wanted to pay me back once he was home. I should have noticed that after talking to him for a while he seemed to get impatient. He said at some point something like: "you don't need to give me any money if you don't want to." That was guilt manipulation. Of course I never heard of him again.
What I learned:
- Don't give money to someone who's an alcoholic. Ever.- Don't give money when you're in any way emotionally impaired. You need to make that a firm decision now.
- Back in the days I was almost hopelessly naive. Never ever give out of a feeling of guilt. Resolve now what you will and will not tolerate in other people. Do not tolerate guilt tripping.
- I should have asked the second guy to show me what was in his bag. I didn't. Mistake. If you give money, you have a right -- and I would even say obligation -- to a thorough background check. Don't ever throw your money away. You worked for it. If they really need the money, they'll comply. If not, they'll try to guilt manipulate you. That's when you walk away and never turn back.
- If in doubt give them a bottle of water or a sandwich instead. That way you know they won't starve and they won't get alcohol for it. If they are professional manipulators, they will keep asking for more in the sweetest most heartbreaking ways because they think they can milk you. Don't fall for it. If they need more help they can go to one of the organizations that take care of these people.
- Don't ever fall for a group of beggars. In Berlin you'll see gypsy women in popular places begging all the time because that's where the tourists are. They hand out pieces of paper where it says in English that they just arrived from some eastern European country, blablabla. I knew they were from a different one, and that they've been in Germany for probably 10 years at least, and engaged them in their real language. They didn't see that coming. But it's incredible with what kind of excuses people will come up with even when they are exposed.
- Unless you really know the person, don't believe one word of what they say without clear independent confirmations, no matter how sincere they look and how plausible it seems and how many tears they shed. You wouldn't make donations to an organization you've never heard of without finding out more about them.
- Generosity is a great virtue; falling for lies isn't. Be vigilant with your money and make sure you don't flush it down the drain by falling for manipulators. Most beggars are master manipulators because that's what they do for a living all day every day.