Remnant Review
Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) has been re-released to hosannas all around. Here is what it got from me in 1968.
When I first saw it, I thought it was one of the stupidest movies ever made. It had better graphics than Plan 9 from Outer Space, but it was vastly more pretentious. The screenplay was no more plausible than Ed Wood's cult classic. Wood's screenplay did not receive an Oscar nomination. Kubrick's did.
TECHNICALLY SUPERB SCHLOCK
Visual scenes were tremendous, especially the scenes of the proto-humans who looked and moved like apes on the upward evolutionary path. The actors were terrific. So was the makeup. We are supposed to accept evolution from the moment the movie opens.
There is the monolith scene. This was Kubrick's version of Erich von Däniken's book, published in 1968, Chariots of the Gods? Its message: man did not originate mankind's technologies. Space aliens did.
It was obvious that we were to take seriously a giant monolith stuck in the ground. That was because we heard Strauss's Also Sprach Zarathrustra. It has that drum.
Later, it shows up on the moon.
"But What Can It Be?"
It is evolution incarnate. Not Darwin's evolution. Von Däniken's evolution. Kubrick wants us to believe that this monolith is the source of evolutionary advance. Where it came from, no one knows. We do not see it again after the moon scene. It gets discarded from the movie like the prop it is, metaphysically speaking.
Then there is Deeply Meaningful Transition Over Time: the ape/man's tossed weapon/bone floating high in the air, which then morphs into a spaceship.
Kubrick demonstrated here that he had the all subtlety of a cattle prod in the scrotum.
THE HAL YOU SAY
In 2001, the world has sent a spaceship to Jupiter. It is maintained by a supercomputer named HAL. HAL was an acronym based on IBM. I plus a letter is H. A plus a letter is B. L plus a letter is M. Insiders got it. Frankly, I didn't.
There are two men in the spaceship. HAL is smarter than the two men, or so it seems. He can read their lips when they are only profiles. He knows they are plotting against him.
One of the men, Poole, was played by the older brother of a very nice guy who had dated my cousin in high school a decade earlier, Denny Yurosik. I liked him. Their father owned one of the biggest carrot farms in California. The actor's professional name was Gary Lockwood. I thought he was a pretty good actor. I had enjoyed his one-season TV series, The Lieutenant. Gene Roddenberry created it. Lockwood's role in 2001 was minimal, but he performed okay.
HAL kills Poole by smashing his vehicle while he is in outer space. The other astronaut, Dave, is dumber than dirt. He has gone into his pod, which looks like a snail facing a glaring giant sperm, without taking his helmet. Would any astronaut forget to take his helmet into a metal pod threatened by power failures and small asteroids? Dave did.
HAL will not let him back into the ship. Dave keeps insisting: "Open the pod bay door, HAL." HAL refuses. Dave keeps insisting. The following scene was not in the original script.
HAL has won. Dave is without a pressure suit. He forgot to take along a helmet. Silly, silly Dave.
The original script says this:
A roaring explosion inside discovery as air rushes out.Lights go out.
Bowman is smashed against Centrifuge Wall, but manages to get into Emergency Airlock within seconds of the accident.
Inside Emergency Airlock are emergency air supply, two space suits and an emergency kit.
This was reminiscent of the old Saturday morning serials. At the end of Chapter 14 (in the later 15-chapter serials), the hero faces certain death. But then, at the beginning of Chapter 15, the scriptwriters bail him out.
In Chapter 15, HAL learns that Dave did not need a sealed spacesuit to survive at 190 degrees below zero in a vacuum. Dave did not get the bends. He got chilly, but there were no major problems.
Silly, silly HAL.
The best-laid plans of mice and machines. . . .
Conclusion: HAL was not as well-informed as a high school physics teacher was in 1968.
Kubrick got away with it. Have you ever read a critical review of the movie that focused on this screamingly obvious fact about HAL: HAL was not too bright even before Dave pulled out his IQ cells, one by one.
Cells? What about integrated circuits? They had been available since 1960. The microprocessor was invented in 1968 -- just in time for the release of 2001. The co-author of the script was Arthur C. Clarke, a famous futurist. He failed to keep up.
Then comes the end of Chapter 15: "Continued Next Eon!"
THE ETERNAL RETURN ALL OVER AGAIN
The movie moves into the final stage of woo-woo land. We see Dave in his space suit -- this time with a helmet! -- in an ethereal room. We are not told how he got there. He looks old. We hear weird choral singing. He wanders through the room. Then he walks into a bathroom.
Then we see the earth from outer space. We see a pre-born infant in a translucent uterus. Why, it's the birth of man! We again hear the beginning of Also Sprach Zarathrustra. There is that drum. This sends a message: "This is Very Important."
End of movie.
Message: "The wheels on the bus go round and round."
Charles Darwin had something less providential in mind. I have something more providential in mind. Kubrick and Von Däniken were in the middle.
CONCLUSION
As I mentioned earlier, the Oscar committee nominated 2001 for "best screenplay" -- the only Oscar nomination Kubrick ever received.
Kubrick created a masterpiece of schlock. He hired a gifted makeup crew and also a crew of high-tech graphics specialists to create a legendary stinker of a movie that is regarded as a classic.
The public bought it. The critics bought it.
I never did.
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