Homeland Security Buys Sno-Cone Machines to Fight Terrorism
Terrorists will stop at nothing to bring America down. But the Department of Homeland Security is up to the challenge.
The latest threat is heat exhaustion. This is especially a threat in West Michigan. So, in preparation for this ruthless attack on West Michigan, the DHS has bought 13 ice-making machines.
And not just any ice-making machines. It has bought Sno-Cones, the Cadillac of ice-making machines. No expense should be spared to protect residents of West Michigan.
The machines that went to 13 counties — including Kent, Ionia, Muskegon, Ottawa and Newaygo — are Arctic Blast Sno-Cone makers that can, according to one sales list, shave 500 pounds of ice per hour.The 13 ice machines cost a total $6,200, according to the West Shore Regional Planning Commission, which administers the grant money.
The written justification of the funding insists that the “machines will assist with treating the onset of heat exhaustion and stroke during large scale events or activities including possible terrorist incidents or similar emergencies.”
The narrative also says local emergency managers believe they can use the Sno-Cone machines to produce ice quickly to help cool down suffering patients.
The Deputy Fire Chief who chairs the Regional Homeland Security Planning Board has explained that the machines have a useful purpose.
“In the event of an emergency where there is great heat for extended period of time, it does provide a means for ice packs for responders, for volunteers to stay hydrated in a different way than bottled water, and it is portable.”
He added that local emergency management agencies can use the Sno-Cone machines as an attraction at public functions where they are trying to recruit volunteers.
There is nothing like a Sno-Cone to recruit volunteers to keep America safe from terrorists.
I know I will sleep better, knowing that West Michiganers are safer.
Next week, maybe central Georgians will be safer, too. I’m hoping.
[The original story on WOOD-TV has been removed. Fortunately, Stephen Colbert's site retains much of the story. It is here.]
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Published on May 23, 2012. The original is here.
Here is Colbert's take.