Arranging Your Affairs so that Your wife Is Taken Care of, Leaving an Inheritance for Your Kids
As with all matters judicial, consult with your attorney before implementing what has worked for others. But know what to ask when you walk in the door.
It is desirable in principle, even if not legally required in some countries, to leave in your will equal amounts to each child. This means that any differential financial help to children, for whatever reason, has to be done while you are living. Having children who are on good terms with each other is a great help to maintaining good family relationships, but sibling rivalry (envy, dislike) or an acquisitive spouse (of one or more of them) can cause problems. So leave the children equal amounts in your will.
Gifts to children while you are living can be unequal, but should not be too different, even though the children may never discuss the matter so do not find out that one has received more than another. If one family is large, and relatively low income (eg teachers, parsons), compared with another with small family and high income, it is tempting to help the neediest. I found that the easiest, and very much appreciated, help was with house purchase, e.g. down payment, paying off mortgage, etc. These have been substantially different between my children. Giving the money for a needy family to buy a car (of their choice, not yours) can also be a way to help. As families grow, a larger, and more reliable, car may be needed. Also, pay for them, or adult grandchildren on their own, to come visit you, and take a holiday nearby.
You can set up a trust fund for your wife, who can draw on either income or both income and capital, with the residue on her death divided equally between the children.
Use a lawyer with experience in wills and taxes to write your will. The cost is worth it; and has more chance of preventing problems than using a will-kit! I have found accountants not very useful!
You may want to assign Power of Attorney, for one of the children to take over your affairs as you become less competent. Make sure (1) you name a second family member to be the monitor for the Assignment, i.e. to be informed of all actions, and (2) the Assignment only comes into operation over the signature of your doctor that you are no longer competent to manage your affairs.
As you get older your wants decline, and sometimes your needs (although health problems may be costly). Reduce your assets to a level of income that you are comfortable with, in advance, by gifts etc. This will help reduce the various types of estate (death) taxes, and probate fees, so will mean more money passes to your children over the years. For example you can arrange your funeral in advance and prepay the costs. You can give charitable donations each year. Also, occasionally cash in capital gains and pay gains taxes at low tax levels in any year, instead of at a much higher rate during the year you die.
Leave a letter to the kids, reminiscing about the good times, and saying just how much your appreciated them.
Remember that giving too much to some people can create problems in the sense of their resenting the help. You have to judge the sensitivities of your children (and their spouses) to too much help, as it may be misunderstood that you are trying to control them.
Whatever you do, don't make their inheritance a result of any form of competition. You can ruin good relations between sibs, and totally destroy the family. The most sensible and deserving children will probably respond by telling you to stuff your money (in an aperture rather awkward for you to reach), and the one's least deserving, although possibly most financially astute, will get more than they deserve.
Finally, remember that you want all your grandchildren to have the opportunity to know each other and to enjoy each other's company. Estranged parents (your children) will prevent that.