Where Is Derek Hall? I Am Not Derek Hall. A Story of Bad Debt and Worse Digits.

Gary North

Every few days, my phone rings. I get a recorded message. "This is an important message."

Any message that begins with "This is an important message" is not important to me. It's important only to the caller.

I know what the call is about. It's about Derek Hall. Somehow, a computerized phone calling system has linked my phone number to Mr. Hall's name.

The digital voice that sounds feminine tells me: "If you are not Derek Hall, please hang up." I do. Then, a few days later, I get another call.

I tried to escape the calls recently. The digital voice said: "If you are Derek Hall, please press '1.' "

So, I lied. Digitally. I used my index finger (a digit) to press the 1 button on my digital phone.

I knew what was coming. Sure enough, the digital voice told me that this had to do with a debt. It instructed me to stay on the line.

Can you imagine that Derek Hall, wherever he is, isn't well aware of why he was asked to press "1" if he is Derek Hall? Mr. Hall spends his life not pressing "1."

I thought, "If I can get through to a human being, I can tell him/her that I am not Derek Hall, and please get my phone number out of the auto-call file."

So, I stayed on the line. I heard a phone ring. It rang once. Then nothing. Then busy circuits.

Some computer geek has designed a system of harassing people for calling them at home, even when the number is in the national data base of "Do Not Call." This risks getting a lawsuit.

Second, the digital voice message does not fool people who are trying to avoid getting called by bill collectors. They know what the important message is about. They hang up.

Third, when some poor guy who is actually trying to get his bills paid presses "1," he is cut off.

I think of the senior managers of this bill-collection agency. They hired a geek. They expected the geek's digital coding to work. How naive can you be?

They expected the phone system to work without daily tests to make sure it is working. They ignored the universal rules: (1) All guns are loaded; (2) No digital system is still working the way it did yesterday.

So, I await my next phone call. It will come. Maybe I will be able to get through to a human being. This is far less certain than the certainty of the call.

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