Thanks for What's Left of My Memories
Oct. 6, 2009
Our 50th reunion was more interesting than I had expected on various levels. It left me with things to ponder. People's stories were fascinating, as expected, as were the disparities between my outdated, fixed images and the current realities: how could Drew Young, in my memory a lively 6th or 7th grader I had a crush on, how could he be a mortgage banker?! (and so on!)
On another level, an unexpected fascinating subject I am left pondering is the nature of memory. I had discovered in recent years the "faulty" nature of the memories of other family members, but I wrote it off to their oddness or lapses. But it was the same or more so at the reunion... People shared memories of me and things we had done or I had said which I absolutely did not remember. I also shared a vivid memory, something that broke up a whole class into 3 minutes of laughter, and the person concerned had no memory of it at all. And so on.
Memory seems to be highly subjective! Another part, and this I knew, is that the strangest things can become lodged almost eternally in someone's memory. I was glad that one of the small memories shared with me was of something encouraging I had said. Scary to think how easily it could have been some thoughtless crack.
The deepest point I'm left pondering is a reevaluation of my whole image of myself in high school. The story I've told myself is that I was just too different from everyone to fit in anywhere socially. I was a Nerd who didn't smoke or drink or wear makeup or Pendeltons. Except working on the LaVista or in the Honors English classes, I felt utterly isolated. My "column" for our newspaper was aptly named "my little world." I was cheerful in this world, not depressed, but unless there was a club meeting to go to, lunch time was agony . Where to sit in the cafeteria? I didn't have anyone to join, Sitting alone felt too bleak. Often I went to the Special Ed room with the teacher Naomi Bramley, who was an interesting character. It was a place to hide out since "nobody wanted me."
The reunion experience turned my story on end. Many people I scarcely thought would have noticed me greeted me warmly and with memories that surprised me. Some of the interesting and congenial people I talked with had, in fact, been in the same classes I was in, and they were a touch "nerdy" too, at the time, not part of the Untouchably Popular Crowd. I realized that I had not reached out at all to any of the people I so enjoyed talking with at the reunion. I had spent those years expecting someone to invite me "in." While I was feeling rejected I was passively rejecting others by not paying them any attention. I guess we were all just wrapped up in our little selves. So I think I need to rewrite my "herstory" of high school now, taking a great deal more responsibility for my own situation. Thank goodness I did learn about reaching out later, and my world is a lot larger these days.